Before We Begin
You've probably heard of Kegels. You've probably been told they're important. And they are — but they're only half the story.
Your pelvic floor is a complex group of muscles, ligaments, and connective tissue that forms a hammock across the base of your pelvis. It supports your organs, controls your bladder and bowel, and plays a central role in sexual function and pleasure. In all bodies — regardless of gender.
Most guidance about the pelvic floor focuses on one thing: making it stronger. Squeeze, hold, release. Repeat. And while strength matters, a pelvic floor that can only contract is a pelvic floor that can't fully release. And release — the ability to consciously relax and let go — is essential for sexual pleasure, orgasm, comfort during penetration, ejaculation, and overall pelvic health.
This guide covers both sides: building strength and developing the capacity to release. Because your pelvic floor isn't a muscle you need to dominate. It's a muscle you need to befriend.
A gentle note: This guide is for everyone. The anatomy sections address different body types, but the principles — awareness, strength, release, integration — are universal. Whatever body you live in, your pelvic floor is worth knowing.
The Anatomy
What's Down There
Your pelvic floor isn't a single muscle — it's a layered group of muscles that work together, roughly divided into three layers [1]:
| Layer | Key Muscles | Function |
|---|---|---|
| Superficial (outermost) | Bulbocavernosus, ischiocavernosus, external sphincters | Sexual response, erection support, sphincter control |
| Middle | Urogenital diaphragm, deep transverse perineal | Urethral support, structural stability |
| Deep (innermost) | Levator ani group (pubococcygeus, iliococcygeus, puborectalis) | Organ support, continence, core stability |
In vulva owners: The pubococcygeus (PC) muscle wraps around the vaginal opening and urethra. Its tone affects vaginal sensation, orgasmic intensity, and the ability to relax for comfortable penetration. The bulbocavernosus encircles the vaginal and urethral openings and contracts rhythmically during orgasm.
In penis owners: The bulbocavernosus wraps around the base of the penis and contributes to erection rigidity and ejaculation. The ischiocavernosus supports the crura (internal legs) of the penis. The PC muscle surrounds the prostate and contracts during orgasm and ejaculation.
The Pelvic Floor and Pleasure
Here's what makes the pelvic floor so important for sexual experience:
Arousal: When you become aroused, blood flow increases to the genitals. The pelvic floor muscles contribute to trapping blood in the erectile tissue (in all genders), which is what makes the clitoris engorge, the penis become erect, and genital tissue become sensitive [2].
Sensation: The pelvic floor muscles are rich in sensory nerve endings. Greater awareness and control of these muscles means you can feel more during intimate touch and penetration.
Orgasm: Orgasm is, physiologically, a series of rhythmic involuntary contractions of the pelvic floor muscles — typically 3-15 contractions at 0.8-second intervals [3]. Stronger muscles produce stronger contractions. But muscles that are chronically tense cannot contract through their full range — and therefore produce weaker orgasmic sensations.
Release and ejaculation: For squirting, ejaculation, and the subjective experience of "letting go" during orgasm, the pelvic floor must be able to fully relax and even bear down slightly. This is why Kegel-only programmes miss half the picture.
The key insight: Optimal pelvic floor function for pleasure is not about maximum strength. It's about range — the ability to fully contract and fully release, and to move smoothly between the two.
The Problem With "Just Do Kegels"
Dr. Arnold Kegel introduced his pelvic floor exercises in 1948, originally for urinary incontinence [4]. They work. Decades of research confirms that regular Kegel exercises improve continence, support pelvic organ prolapse management, and can enhance sexual function.
But the popular version of "do your Kegels" often creates problems:
Hypertonic Pelvic Floor
A hypertonic (overly tense) pelvic floor is more common than most people realise. Research suggests that up to 16% of women experience pelvic floor hypertonicity, and it's increasingly recognised in men as well [5].
Signs of a hypertonic pelvic floor:
| Symptom | In Vulva Owners | In Penis Owners |
|---|---|---|
| Pain during penetration | Vaginismus, dyspareunia (painful sex) | Pain during receptive anal sex |
| Difficulty with arousal | Reduced clitoral/vaginal sensation | Difficulty maintaining erections; chronic pelvic pain |
| Urinary issues | Urgency, frequency, difficulty starting stream | Urgency, weak stream, post-void dribbling |
| Orgasm difficulties | Difficulty reaching orgasm; muted orgasmic sensation | Painful ejaculation; weak orgasm |
| Chronic tension | Feeling of tightness, pressure, or heaviness in the pelvis | Perineal pain, sitting discomfort |
If you recognise these symptoms, doing more Kegels may make things worse. A muscle that's already chronically contracted cannot contract further with full range. What it needs is to learn to let go.
The Strength-Release Balance
Think of your bicep. If you held your arm in a permanent half-curl, two things would happen: the muscle would weaken (because it's never training through its full range) and it would become painful and rigid. The same applies to your pelvic floor.
Optimal pelvic floor function requires:
- Resting tone: A healthy baseline level of engagement (not too tense, not too lax)
- Contractile strength: The ability to squeeze firmly when needed
- Full release: The ability to relax completely below resting tone
- Coordination: The ability to contract and release in response to specific activities (coughing, orgasm, bearing down)
The Programme
This is not a workout plan. It's a practice of developing a relationship with a part of your body that most people ignore entirely. The Pelvic Floor Awareness session walks you through many of these exercises with audio guidance.
Phase 1: Finding Your Pelvic Floor (Week 1-2)
Before you can train these muscles, you need to feel them.
Exercise 1: The Awareness Scan
Sit comfortably on a firm surface (a chair or the floor). Close your eyes. Breathe slowly and deeply.
Now, imagine you're trying to stop the flow of urine mid-stream. The muscles that engage are your pelvic floor. Don't actually do this while urinating — it's just a reference point.
Another cue: imagine gently lifting a marble with your vaginal muscles (vulva owners) or drawing your testicles up slightly (penis owners). That engagement is your pelvic floor.
Hold for 2-3 seconds. Release completely. Repeat 5 times.
What you're learning: Where these muscles are. Many people discover they've been engaging their glutes, inner thighs, or abdominals instead of (or in addition to) their pelvic floor. The goal is isolation — engaging the pelvic floor without recruiting other muscle groups.
Exercise 2: Breathing Connection
Your pelvic floor moves naturally with your diaphragm. On an inhale, the diaphragm descends and the pelvic floor gently softens and lowers. On an exhale, the diaphragm rises and the pelvic floor gently lifts.
Lie on your back with knees bent. Place one hand on your belly. Breathe deeply into your belly (feel it rise). As you inhale, notice your pelvic floor softening. As you exhale, notice it gently engaging.
Do this for 2-3 minutes. Don't force anything — just observe the natural rhythm.
What you're learning: The breath-pelvic floor connection. This is the foundation for everything that follows. The Breathing for Arousal session integrates this awareness into a full-body practice.
Phase 2: Building Strength (Week 2-4)
Once you can feel your pelvic floor, you can start to strengthen it.
| Exercise | Instructions | Sets & Reps | Rest |
|---|---|---|---|
| Slow holds | Contract your pelvic floor gently. Hold for 5 seconds. Release slowly for 5 seconds. The release should take as long as the contraction. | 10 reps, 3 sets | 30 sec between sets |
| Quick pulses | Contract and release rapidly — 1 second up, 1 second down. Keep breathing steady. | 10 reps, 3 sets | 30 sec between sets |
| Endurance hold | Contract at about 50% effort. Hold for 10 seconds. Release fully. | 5 reps, 2 sets | 1 min between sets |
| Elevator | Imagine your pelvic floor as a lift. Contract to the first floor (gentle). Then second floor (moderate). Then third floor (firm). Hold. Then descend: third, second, first, ground, and then basement — releasing below resting tone. | 5 reps, 2 sets | 1 min between sets |
Frequency: 3-4 times per week. More is not better — muscles need recovery time.
Common mistakes:
- Holding your breath (breathe normally throughout)
- Squeezing your glutes (keep your bottom soft)
- Bearing down instead of lifting (if you feel a pushing sensation, you've reversed the direction)
- Overtraining (doing hundreds of reps daily can cause hypertonicity)
Phase 3: Learning to Release (Week 3-6)
This is the phase most programmes skip — and the one that matters most for pleasure.
| Exercise | Instructions | Sets & Reps | What You're Learning |
|---|---|---|---|
| Contract-and-drop | Squeeze your pelvic floor firmly for 3 seconds. Then release as quickly and completely as possible — imagine the muscles just dropping. | 10 reps, 3 sets | Speed of release; the ability to let go instantly |
| Below-baseline release | Gently engage your pelvic floor. Now release past your resting tone — let the muscles soften below their normal state. Imagine them opening, spreading, melting. Breathe out as you release. | 10 reps, 2 sets | Releasing beyond neutral; this is the state needed for ejaculation, comfortable penetration, and deep orgasmic release |
| Gentle bear-down | Very gently bear down — as if beginning a bowel movement, but much lighter. Feel the pelvic floor descend and open. Hold for 3-5 seconds. Return to neutral. | 8 reps, 2 sets | The "push" mechanism involved in ejaculation and the release phase of orgasm |
| Progressive relaxation | Contract at full effort. Hold 5 seconds. Release to 50%. Hold 5 seconds. Release to 25%. Hold 5 seconds. Release to zero. Hold 5 seconds. Release below zero — as soft and open as possible. | 5 reps | Granular control; knowing your full range from maximum contraction to maximum release |
| Reverse Kegel | Instead of lifting the pelvic floor, gently let it descend and open — like the beginning of urination. This is the opposite of a Kegel. Hold this open, released state for 5-10 seconds. | 8 reps, 2 sets | Developing the neural pathway for conscious release; essential for people with hypertonic pelvic floors |
Be patient. Release is harder to learn than contraction because we have more practice tensing than softening. It may take weeks before you can reliably release below baseline. That's completely normal.
Phase 4: Integration (Ongoing)
Once you have both strength and release, the final phase is integrating pelvic floor awareness into your intimate life.
During arousal: Notice your pelvic floor. Is it engaged? Relaxed? Somewhere in between? The Learning to Let Go session guides you through this awareness in the context of building arousal.
Approaching orgasm: As orgasm approaches, the pelvic floor naturally contracts. Experiment with consciously releasing it instead — or contracting firmly then releasing. Different approaches create different sensations.
During penetration (giving or receiving): A relaxed pelvic floor allows more comfortable, more pleasurable penetration. Practice the below-baseline release before and during.
With edging: The pelvic floor is your primary tool for staying on the edge. Releasing it lowers arousal; contracting it can intensify sensation. The Wave — Building & Releasing session teaches this ebb-and-flow pattern.
For Specific Situations
After Pregnancy and Birth
Pregnancy and vaginal delivery stretch and can weaken the pelvic floor muscles. Research by Hilde et al. (2013) found that levator ani defects (partial tears) were present in up to 36% of women after first vaginal delivery [6].
Start gently. In the first 6 weeks postpartum, focus only on Phase 1 (awareness) and gentle Phase 2 work. No bearing down. No intense contractions.
See a pelvic floor physiotherapist. This is strongly recommended for all postpartum bodies — not just those with symptoms. A physio can assess your specific situation and guide your recovery. Many countries offer this as standard postpartum care; ask your midwife or GP for a referral.
Focus on release work. Postpartum pelvic floors are often simultaneously weak and hypertonic — the muscles compensate for weakness by holding tension. Release work is just as important as strengthening.
For Prostate Health
In penis owners, the pelvic floor muscles surround the prostate. Chronic tension in these muscles is a significant contributor to chronic prostatitis/chronic pelvic pain syndrome (CP/CPPS), a condition affecting up to 15% of men [7].
The release exercises in Phase 3 are particularly relevant. Research by Anderson et al. (2006) demonstrated that pelvic floor relaxation training significantly reduced symptoms of CP/CPPS [8]. The Prostate Awareness session incorporates gentle pelvic floor awareness alongside prostate exploration.
For Pain During Penetration
If you experience pain during vaginal or anal penetration, your pelvic floor may be hypertonic. Do not push through pain. Pain is information — it means something needs attention.
Focus exclusively on Phase 1 and Phase 3 (awareness and release) until the muscles can fully relax. Consider working with a pelvic floor physiotherapist who specialises in pain conditions. Manual internal release work (performed by a trained physio) can be highly effective.
Common Questions
"How do I know if I'm doing Kegels correctly?"
The definitive test: next time you urinate, try to stop the flow mid-stream. If you can slow or stop it, you're engaging the right muscles. (Don't do this regularly — it's a one-time test, not an exercise.)
If you're unsure, a pelvic floor physiotherapist can assess your contraction using biofeedback, ultrasound, or manual assessment.
"Can men do Kegels?"
Absolutely. The pelvic floor muscles in penis owners are just as trainable. Research consistently shows that pelvic floor exercises improve erectile function, ejaculatory control, and orgasm intensity in men [9]. The exercises in this guide apply to all bodies.
"How long until I notice a difference?"
Most research shows measurable improvements in pelvic floor strength after 6-8 weeks of consistent training [10]. For the release work, awareness often develops faster — many people notice a difference within 2-3 weeks.
For sexual function specifically, allow 8-12 weeks. The neural pathways between your brain and pelvic floor are strengthening with each session, even when you can't feel the difference yet.
"Is it possible to have too strong a pelvic floor?"
Yes. An overly strong, overly tense pelvic floor is as problematic as a weak one. This is why this guide emphasises both sides: if you can contract like a vice grip but can't fully release, your pelvic floor is out of balance. The release work in Phase 3 is not optional — it's essential.
"I can't feel my pelvic floor at all"
This is more common than you might think, especially if you've never paid attention to these muscles before. The neural pathways simply haven't been built yet.
Start with the breathing connection exercise (Phase 1, Exercise 2) — it's the gentlest entry point. You might also try the awareness scan in different positions (lying down is often easier than sitting). If after several weeks you still can't feel any engagement, see a pelvic floor physiotherapist — they can help you find the muscles through biofeedback.
The Mind-Body Connection
Your pelvic floor is one of the most emotionally responsive muscle groups in the body. It tenses when you're anxious, stressed, or afraid. It relaxes when you feel safe. It contracts during laughter. It holds tension patterns from trauma, from habitually clenching, from years of unconscious guarding.
This means that pelvic floor work is never purely physical. As you develop awareness of these muscles, you may notice that they respond to emotions, to memories, to certain situations. You may find that relaxation exercises bring up unexpected feelings. This is normal. The pelvic floor stores tension the same way the jaw, shoulders, and hips do — and releasing that tension can sometimes release what was held alongside it.
If this happens, be gentle with yourself. You don't need to analyse it or understand it. Just notice it, breathe through it, and know that your body is processing something it no longer needs to hold.
Integrating Awareness Into Daily Life
Once you've built basic pelvic floor awareness, you can practise it anywhere — which is one of the beauties of this work. Nobody knows you're doing it.
Check in during the day: At your desk, on the train, waiting in a queue. Notice your pelvic floor. Is it engaged? Holding? Can you soften it? A brief check-in takes five seconds and gradually builds the unconscious awareness that makes pelvic floor function automatic.
Before intimacy: Take a moment to consciously relax your pelvic floor. Breathe into it. Let it soften. This simple practice can make a notable difference to comfort, sensation, and pleasure — whether you're with a partner or exploring solo.
During stress: Notice whether your pelvic floor tenses when you're stressed or anxious (it almost certainly does). Consciously releasing it sends a signal to your nervous system that you're safe — which in turn reduces overall tension and anxiety.
A Living Practice
Your pelvic floor will change throughout your life. Pregnancy, menopause, ageing, surgery, hormonal changes, stress — all affect pelvic floor function. The practice described here isn't a programme with an end date. It's an ongoing relationship with a part of your body that silently contributes to your pleasure, your comfort, and your health every single day.
A few minutes of awareness, a few minutes of strength work, a few minutes of release — woven into your week, consistently, over time. That's all it takes.
Your body is not a problem to solve. It's a conversation to have.
Ready to go deeper?
The Self Reawakening: For Her is a 6-week guided journey that puts these techniques into practice — session by session, at your own pace.
Ready to go deeper?
The Self Reawakening: For Him is a 6-week guided journey that puts these techniques into practice — session by session, at your own pace.
References
- [1] Ashton-Miller, J.A. & DeLancey, J.O. (2007). "Functional anatomy of the female pelvic floor." Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1101(1), 266-296.
- [2] Shafik, A. (2000). "The role of the levator ani muscle in evacuation, sexual performance and pelvic floor disorders." International Urogynecology Journal, 11(6), 361-376.
- [3] Bohlen, J.G., et al. (1980). "The female orgasm: pelvic contractions." Archives of Sexual Behavior, 11(5), 367-386.
- [4] Kegel, A.H. (1948). "Progressive resistance exercise in the functional restoration of the perineal muscles." American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, 56(2), 238-248.
- [5] Faubion, S.S., et al. (2012). "Recognition and management of nonrelaxing pelvic floor dysfunction." Mayo Clinic Proceedings, 87(2), 187-193.
- [6] Hilde, G., et al. (2013). "Prevalence of levator ani defects among first-time mothers." Obstetrics & Gynecology, 122(1), 146-151.
- [7] Krieger, J.N., et al. (2008). "Epidemiology of prostatitis." International Journal of Antimicrobial Agents, 31(Suppl 1), S85-S90.
- [8] Anderson, R.U., et al. (2006). "Integration of myofascial trigger point release and paradoxical relaxation training treatment of chronic pelvic pain in men." The Journal of Urology, 176(4), 1534-1539.
- [9] Dorey, G., et al. (2005). "Pelvic floor exercises for erectile dysfunction." BJU International, 96(4), 595-597.
- [10] Bø, K. (2004). "Pelvic floor muscle training is effective in treatment of female stress urinary incontinence." BMJ, 329(7462), 339-340.